Kay Wyma’s recent talks to EDS parents and faculty were on
an old topic but with a startling new revelation. She wove delightfully
familiar parenting stories that were alternatingly affirming and
provocative. Wyma has found an endearing
style to deliver fairly straight talk to parents about how to work against the
contemporary culture of entitlement.
Although this is not a new topic, especially in the independent school
world, Mrs. Wyma delivered one piece of information that stopped me cold in my
tracks.
Over the past decade and a half, I’ve attended many
similarly themed workshops and have worked with the likes of Stephen Glenn
(author of How to Raise Self-Reliant
Children in a Self-Indulgent World) and Wendy Mogel (author of Blessings of a Skinned Knee), whose
books I recommend along with Mrs. Wyma’s Cleaning
House: A Mom’s 12-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement. Each
of these experts in his or her own way has made a compelling case that parents
today overprotect children. We all are
familiar with clever terms such as helicopter
parenting, bubble-wrap parenting, and smothering. However,
until Mrs. Wyma quoted some important research, I did not realize the
potentially dire consequences of this parenting style.
It turns out we risk far more than merely raising spoiled,
entitled young people. Overprotective
over-parenting has been linked to increases in anxiety and depression among
young people. The very issues that lead
many to over-involvement in their children’s lives—wanting to protect them from
the damaging effects of conflict, disappointment, struggle, and failure—are
actually exacerbated by our well-intentioned efforts. The cure is spreading the disease.
This is counter-intuitive for most of us. I think parents often justify the trade-off
in ways that go something like this, “I will risk spoiling my child a little
bit (they’re just precious children after all) in order to protect them from
becoming hurt, anxious, depressed, or disillusioned with school or life.” Others like Glenn and Mogel have questioned
whether that’s a good trade-off, but Wyma brings to light research that reveals
it’s no trade-off at all. This is not a
question of parenting styles and choices, it’s a matter of consequences. Quite simply, over-protection is a terribly
misleading term, it leads to increases in anxiety, depression, and diminished
success in life.
The lesson is clear.
We need to love our children, believe in our children, trust our
children, and let them struggle with the challenges that life presents
them. They will be stronger, wiser, and
happier as a result.
Posts
